You smell like a Billy Joel song
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize