i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize