I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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