if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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