I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
