No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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