its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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