You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
