somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
