I haven't been this sober since birth.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
