Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
