I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
