I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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