Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
