I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
