I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
