Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
