Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Come on in and take your pants off
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