so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
