Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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