I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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