remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
