Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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