Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
