so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
