Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
