I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
