I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
