Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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