Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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