why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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