can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
