How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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