I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
