She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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