I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
