just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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