I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
