in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
