A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
