booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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