just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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