Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
