ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
