dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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