just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
