So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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