Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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