My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
