Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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