if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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