evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
