he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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