a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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