FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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