TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
