im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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