my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
