can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
