Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
