I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
