Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
