We won't sleep together?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Randomize
