if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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