dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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