god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
