I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
