I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Edward fifth and chaser hands
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
